That’s why I put together this handy lil’ top 5 list that I’m calling: “Amy’s cheap love givins’ buffet. Baby.”

Yep, it’s your dream list of the top 5 perfectly affordable, practically ethical, gender neutral and super-sexy gifts to help you woo that special someone. “The man” isn’t going to like it, but I think you will. Here it is, folks:

Amy’s cheap love givins’ buffet. Baby.

5. The number five gift is obviously: flowers that you stole from your neighbour’s garden. They’re cheap, they’re grown locally and the effort (and possible jail time) you’ll have to put in gives this gift that extra special touch.

4. A picture of what your kids would look like. This is just good planning, especially if you’re getting to that scary serious stage. Don’t feel limited by time though, it is a smooth move for a first date too. Just download the program and go get em’ you forward looking romancer you!

3. Practical underwear. I’m pretty sure that almost everyone wears underwear, but relatively few enjoy the feel of anything edible, sequined, or leather on a day-to-day basis. Based on amount of time worn, those fancy (under) pants just aren’t worth the price tag. So what if your gift came in a 5-pack? Your sweetheart will appreciate that you possess the most romantic qualities of all: practicality and thriftiness. Oooh la la.

2. A nice collage. Pull out your safety scissors and your Elmer’s glue. I recommend a nice collage of all of the things you would’ve got them if you had the money, or the will (maybe don’t say that last part). The best part of this gift: see ‘romantic qualities’ above.

1. Pens

. Are you losing pens all of the time? I know I am. Maybe they aren’t the greenest gift, but damned if they aren’t useful. You can even use them to write romantic notes to one another, if you want! That’s why pens are my number one Valentine’s Day gift!

Well, glad I could help you out, friends. Enjoy a sexily practical and thrifty Valentine’s!

The average consumer will take in quite a few messages this month about enjoying an inexpensive February 14 or better, a “green” one.  People will see their fair share of classic advertisements as well, reminders of traditional gifts denoting traditional attitudes.

Some of the most popular Valentine’s gifts are the most difficult to purchase with a clean conscience.

Horror at the false value and gruesome origin of blood diamonds is getting closer to appropriate levels. Diamonds mined in the Canadian north seem like the perfect alternative to conflict stones, but there are questions about the impact of mines on fragile environments. The shiny symbol of love is hardly an ethical star.

Diamonds are hardly within everyone’s reach anyway.  A more affordable gift is one I formerly only questioned based on sugar content. Then Carol Off released her book “Bitter Chocolate.” It documents the harvesting of cocoa beans in poor Cote d’Ivoire villages. The children who labour for a pittance to ensure that wealthier countries get their fix don’t even know what chocolate is.

Diamonds and chocolate are tricky, but flowers are okay, right? Well, there is the matter of the environmental cost of plants that are mainly imported and sprayed with pesticides.

Besides shaking off the misguided gender roles that are rehashed each February (see my friend Lucy’s blog) there’s still a lot of unethical trade and environmental guilt linked to Valentines. That’s a lot of baggage for one holiday.

Buying a socio-cultural-econo-conscious Valentine’s gift, if that sort of thing is your bag, is about as easy as trying to train your pet dog to function as a pony (four-year old me warns you not to attempt this stunt). That’s why I think I’ll put together a handy lil’ list of rocking and relatively guilt-free Valentines gifts. I just need a little time to compile it. So be sure to check out my next blog, friends!

According to a survey bearing the clumsy name “The Burn Rater Test,” almost a quarter of respondents are “overspenders” (apparently that’s one word now). About 30% of respondents “show overspending tendencies.”

It isn’t the first time that Mackenzie Investments, who commissioned the study, have reported on the grasshopper-like tendencies of Canadians, particularly younger or female Canadians. We rack up credit, we impulse buy, we lie about our spending and we’re catching up to Americans in terms of lack of personal savings. Blah, blah, blah.

Geez, Mackenzie Investments, what are you like, my Dad?

As a young Canadian female, I take offence to your implied judgment of our hip, high roller lifestyle. Next thing you’ll be telling us that buying new cars or homes when we’re already in debt could have serious consequences for the overall economy, or preaching that my kid doesn’t really need that cell-phone, or 15 webkinz.

I guess you think that the kids can play with – I don’t know – wood blocks or something, and use their “imaginations.” Right, like those exist.

It’s not like we’re completely irresponsible. 77% of respondents said that they haven’t gone financially overboard when it comes to entertaining family or friends. At least we’re not spending too much on others, or on fostering strong community ties.

I only spend on the important things: me. Or, really important cultural events that are absolutely essential to our functioning as a healthy society, like that very special one just around the corner: Valentines Day.

Ah, yes, you may criticize our generational tendency to consume as a way to deal with widespread depression, self-obsession and self-doubt, and point to February 14th as a shining example. But you’re ignoring the fulfilling aspect of this rich cultural tradition and the necessary purchases that go with it.

Now, let’s see. I’m going to need to get some clothes and lingerie to make myself feel pretty. I’ll pick up some Looney Toons valentines for all of my classmates, so that they all have cute, pun printed proof of our friendship. I’ll buy chocolates just because I can’t resist the displays. Some wine to drink alone…

I’m feeling better already. So relax, the future is nowhere near yet.

Half of the time I was left wondering exactly what the joke was, or what the point was that the marketers meant to make.

Maybe they just weren’t aimed at me. Maybe I’m too square to understand what the kids are talking about these days. Maybe I’m over-thinking. For example: I suggest that a Pepsi ad featuring Justin Timberlake is poking fun at itself for being stupid and immature with a short opening sequence where J.T. criticizes his friend’s childish prank. My roommate says no – it’s just a joke about putting straws up your nose.

Post-viewing riddles aside, here’s a run down of my faves and not so faves, award style*:

Best beer ad
My vote goes to this inspirational Budweiser spot. Everyone loves beautiful animals and the beautiful theme from Rocky, right? I’m right. And there’s not a decorative blonde in sight. I’ll drink a crappy beer to that!

Best use of a squirrel
Don’t tell me this isn’t a credible category. I tell you what’s a category. And best use of a squirrel goes to this delightfully cutesy-wutesy Bridgestone car ad.

Best use of an animal that isn’t a squirrel
Don’t make me tell you again about the categories thing. There were a lot of good animal ads, okay? So deal. Simply because badgers aren’t featured enough in anything, ever, the award goes to this Toyota Corolla ad.

Sexiest

It doesn’t matter what your sexual orientation is. You can’t deny that those shorts get you hot. I recommend that you light some candles and invite your lover(s) to watch this commercial for both Bud Light and yet another formulaic comedy. Saucy.

Cleverest
It’s a talking stain, people! Those Tide people are geniuses. It’s so funny because it’s so true. And his haircut is awful too, oh my yes, so clever.

Stupidest
False advertising alert! Okay, I tried this, and do you know how many men gave me the eye, or walked into a postbox? Well, one elderly drunk, but that was all. Way to play on my insecurities you insensitive Planters jerks. Stupid ad.

The “What the #@*%?” honourable mention
It’s not a good kind of honour. This Doritos ad speaks for itself, just not in any language I’m familiar with.

Anywhoo, these were some tough categories to judge, so I recommend you follow my lead and throw an hour down the toilet to watch them all yourself on myspace. High times, friends!

*Awards may not be official. Corporate gifts in appreciation of unofficial awards welcome.

Tampons?

Well probably not, that’s a little too female-specific. But according to the Canadian Marketing Association blog, this year the advertising heavyweights will be targeting women as well as their traditional male audience.

Advertisers will try to use the mega-event to appeal to the broadest audience possible, even when it comes to products aimed at one gender, age group or other demographic. The Boston Globe reports that Victoria Secret wouldn’t be running their ads for women’s undergarments if they couldn’t also send a nudge-nudge valentines reminder to men. It  “wouldn’t be worth it,” said the marketing head honcho for the company.

No doubt the advertisements will still play on tired gender stereotypes and feature a parade of scantily clad women, but at least they are recognizing (if only in pursuit of profits) that women watch sports too.

Well, not me. I dislike sports, with the obvious exception of duels to the death between my suitors. But I’ll tune in, just to see which wins out: a feeling of inclusion over an attempt to bleed wallets across gender lines, or just my usual sense of insult over the nature of advertising pitches so often demeaning to women and intellectually insulting to us all.

Yep, that’s the only reason I’ll be watching. Oh, and also – you know – to marvel at those tight, tight pants.

The New York City comedian moved into some sweet new digs earlier this month.

While his permanent pad was being de-roached, this swinging city slicker took a little vacation in a New Jersey Ikea.

Wow! The generosity of that friendly Swedish giant is really something else!

You know, I think I remember a time when targeting people or products for comedic stunts sparked reactions of outrage. Maybe even a good old fashioned restraining order.

I think I do, but I also think that I remember a terrifying birthday party for an early childhood friend at which an adult dressed up in a giant ALF costume made me cry.  I may have made it up. I’m skeptical that costumes of the bizarre T.V. alien were ever even made; but there’s no chance I’ll forget that scarring experience, fabricated or not.

Anyone who watches Malkoff’s antics probably won’t forget the images of Ikea anytime soon, and the purveyors of fine furnishings didn’t have to pay a cent for that advertising (or the advertising here, for that matter).

These days political figures line up to be lambasted by comedians. Companies clamour for opportunities like the golden one to allow a temporarily displaced dude with a camera to jump on their show couches for a week.

Before YouTube, this symbiotic relationship was one to be enjoyed by already established comedic celebrity. Now the opportunities to accost the rich, famous and corporate are more equal than ever before.

So people like Malkoff, or maybe even ordinary folk like – dare I say – me can live the dream too!

What? Sorry, no I didn’t mean that my dream is to make my name through hilarious stunts.

My lifelong aspiration is to shack up in a department store.

Yep, I never really grew out of that fantasy.

And a girl can dream, can’t she?

Tim Hortons will be “focusing expansion efforts” in Western Canada as well as Quebec in 2008.

They put down roots in Ontario ages ago. In my hometown of Thunder Bay, a new Timmy Ho’s seems to spring up every few months. Kitty-corner Tim’s are as common as kitty-corner Starbucks here.

Five years ago, Vancouver was indeed uncontested Starbucks territory. To me, the lack of Tim Horton’s was eerie, unnatural. But a Tim’s location is no longer an oddity in Vancouver.

The newest Vancouver location on West Broadway opened just this winter. A friendly lady at the regional Tim Horton’s office tells me about plans to build new locations here “in the near future.” She can’t tell me where or when – that’s top secret – but they’re coming.

Oh, they’re coming.

Tim Hortons and Canadian national identity are often discussed. The book Timbit Nation, (I’m not a big fan of the book, but it’s favourably reviewed on this site for hitchhiking enthusiasts) celebrates the restaurant as a Canadian symbol.

The chain was brought to Kandahar, to keep Canadian troops happy.

According to their website, Tim Hortons is the focus of a lot of school projects. I’m guessing they don’t mean in the U.S.

Peirre Berton said that a Canadian is someone who knows how to make love in a canoe.

That saying may be a bit outdated. A modern Canadian might be someone who can make love while rolling up the rim of a double-double and chowing down on a maple-dip doughnut. Okay, maybe if you can do all of that, while in a canoe, then you are master of a true Canadian skill set.

A sexy, sexy skill set.

I’m a bit concerned about it though. Not just because of the dual drowning/choking hazard.

I’m torn between relief that our sense of nationalism seems so harmless (compared with the jingoism of some other nations) and disappointment that we as a nation have become so attached to a company peddling mediocre coffee and artery clogging sweets. All of that offered up in a the ambiance of a brown plastic box that makes you feel like you’re dining in a giant Fisher Price toy.

I worry about our susceptibility to a giant marketing machine that so successfully targets our soft spot, our weak national identity.

And I’m very worried that they can command headlines with plans for a new sandwich in the lead. New sandwich? Stop the presses!

But the impossibly long line up at the UBC Tim’s sure does make me feel at home.

Ecoholic author Adria Vasil warns Canadian consumers not to believe every earth-friendly claim they see shouting at them from packaging and advertisements. Beware of corporate “greenwashing” she warns. It’s a warning that should be taken seriously.

I don’t want to completely expose myself as a self-righteous hypocrite, but I was raised in a family where composting was compulsory (“bring your banana peels home from school, kids” were my dad’s embarrassing instructions) where ancient, reusable bags made a trip to Safeway each week, and where bath water could be used by two, maybe three individuals (consecutively, people, we weren’t that weird), and why not?

During school lunch hour I tried to hide the fact that I was eating a sandwich out of a washed out, but still slightly streaky milk-bag.

I should be thrilled that Canada has a freshly painted, green collective conscience. Elated that we’re constantly bombarded by environmental messages. Milk-bag girls should be all the rage now, right? Right?

Well, I doubt it. The word “green” is every second word coming from the government (and we saw how well that government performed in Bali), but the whole phenomenon seems to be less walk and way more talk.

Companies are outdoing even government when it comes to hollow environmental rhetoric. Green is a brilliant marketing ploy. It seems that simply stamping the word “green” on a product is enough to give shoppers that warm fuzzy feeling they need to justify another purchase.

Maybe sometimes spending money is better than nothing, like in the case of carbon credits, but as is often the case, this seems like an empty attempt on the part of companies to look like they’re doing their share.

Last year the Gazette cited a survey showing that less than 25% of Canadians are willing to pay extra for carbon offset costs on air flights. I’d like to think that’s because they recognize the ploy as a cop-out and a half, but it’s probably more about the ten dollars.

In the end, the popularity of the green message may be doing more to confuse the average Canadian then actually helping or prompting them to do their part for the environment.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: ‘what a self-righteous little hypocrite this kid is.’ Fair enough.

Now, are you going to use that empty milk bag, or can I have it?